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Word Vomit (Warning: this can get deep)

When I don’t know what else to do, when I’m tired of a situation running around in my head, I turn to music. I’ll usually listen to something that directly channels my mood, just to hear someone else lament. That way, not so alone, and it’s like I’ve got a soundtrack going on.

Lately, there’s these two songs: “Cut,” by Jimmy Eat World, and “Hands Open,” by Snow Patrol— they really get to me. They get under me, my skin, because they describe my “situation” pretty well. They just make so much sense.

Unlike me, I imagine. Ok, I’ll explain.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost three years. At least half of this relationship has been spent in different parts of Virginia, roughly two hours apart. We meet up almost every Monday in a town that’s in-between our respective cities. We try to alternate and visit one another’s house at least one weekend a month. It’s certainly tolerable.

But Chris is going to grad school at Atlanta’s Savannah College of Art & Design (SCAD), sometime during the summer/spring of this year. Initially, I was all for going with him. I was feeling pretty stuck in my life, so I got another job in addition to the one I already had, and started saving up. But then, I graduated. I got a different job that allowed me to quit my dead-end ones. I made new friends in an awesome burlesque class. I realized that I no longer needed that escape. If anything, I feel like there’s still plenty left for me here, in Richmond…

So. As it stands, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ve done the out-of-state long distance thing, and I’ve got to say, I am not eager in the least to try it again. It just hurts too much. A cell phone is a poor surrogate boyfriend.

I’m only sure of two things:

  1. I love him, but
  2. Our relationship will not survive unless we’re both content with where we are (emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.).

I’m not going to Atlanta unless I can find more of a reason than him. I’m terrified that I’ll get there, and be miserable, and I’ll end up resenting him, then game over. And a plain, simple fact: love is not always enough to keep two people together. Don’t let the romantics tell ya otherwise. Our lives involve each other, but we are not each other’s lives. If that makes sense.

This is what has been on my mind, in my earphones.

I have to make a decision soon.

I’m just so fucking scared of the “what if’s.”

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