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Slippery slope.

Dunno WTF is wrong with me as of late, but I’ve slumped from general stoicism to toxic. Strangely, it’s when I’ve been making some improvements in my life, like attempting to open up more to bf/friends/family, cutting back of shitty foods and developing an interest in yoga.

But I’ve still so much to work on. Namely, my self-loathing and/or self-destructive habits, as well as my attitude and actions towards others.

No easy feats. When you’ve spent as long as I have tearing yourself down, the building-back-up stuff seems next to impossible.

I figured I’d start by shouting back encouraging things at the shouty discouraging voice in my head (“YOU’RE WORTHLESS.” “OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU’RE JUST TOO TALENTED FOR YOUR OWN GOOD”). Maybe a little psycho and counter-productive, but if you can’t beat ‘em…

Also quitting drinking on weekdays. It’s something that I’ve grown too familiar with. Because it’s not just a beer or a glass of wine. The past few weeks, there’s been at least one day where I wake up with a hangover. Not cute, not cool, not a great way to function at work.

In terms of my behavior towards others: gonna attempt to continue being more communicative with those who matter. But I also have to watch my jealousy. I don’t like to share my friends, which is ridiculous, because so many of them are friends with each other. It doesn’t take much for me to feel left out or lonely, or even remotely affronted. I can only trace it back to my own general unhappiness with myself. 

So…yeah. Guess I’ll up the exercise (been saying I’d join the gym for some time now; excuses, excuses). And bite my tongue when I feel something evil slithering up my throat. And mentally smack myself for thinking ridic thoughts about others and me. And toss out double compliments for every insult when I look in the mirror.

Sure. I got this.

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