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As we are.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything personal or of merit, beyond my fandom crazes, so here’s some honest fodder:

  • I haven’t completely given up smoking, as hoped, but it has been reduced greatly. Same with drinking. Friday nights seem to be my indulgence nights.
  • I’ve re-embraced the bookworm lifestyle. I can go days without Facebook or Tumblr, and just cuddle in my cocoon of a bed with a good book (currently reading: Anne Lamott’s “Imperfect Birds”; stellar!).
  • On the health front: I finally got a primary care doctor, and am now on Nexium; that seems to help a lot with the constant tightness that I’ve had in my chest for months. Most of the pains are gone, which is a relief, since I’ve seen a fair amount of specialists without any conclusion.
  • Also, health-wise: I’m seeing a podiatrist on Monday. My feet have been giving me increasing amounts of pain, with shooting nerves in my legs to boot. I’ve been in the service industry since 16 (meaning, jobs where I’m assisting people in some way, and constantly on my feet), though I’ve been able to deal with it until my current job. My present avocation, I’m on my feet constantly for 8-9 hours a day, which hasn’t fared well for my hammertoes and horrendous bunions. Seriously, I have hobbit feet. Which, apparently, aren’t good for non-hobbits. So, surgery might be involved.
  • I’m still aiming for September to be my move-to-Atlanta date, where I’ll finally be able to join my boyfriend in Atlanta. The only downfall with be finances…I don’t know if/when the foot surgery might have to happen, and what that’ll do to my savings. I keep hearing from others that I can’t keep pushing off my date to move, which I agree with, but I HATE not being able to support myself. Every loan from a loved one, every time I have to do an I.O.U., something in me shrivels and pouts in a very inglorious way. But I know I have to do what needs to be done for my health, and I know that I have whatever support can be offered from my loved ones. That’s at least encouraging.

I guess that’s all I have to offer right now. Just trying to keep on doing what I’m doing, and making ends meet where I can.

I’m eternally grateful to my parents, for letting me stay in their place while I try to scramble together what I can for my finances and my health. I don’t have much going for me in the faith/spiritual department, but I have faith in those around me, that I’ll never be left wanting for what is really needed.

Thank you to my wonderful family, boyfriend and friends for being so steadfast in my own well-being, even when I’m not feeling it. <3


Slippery slope.

Dunno WTF is wrong with me as of late, but I’ve slumped from general stoicism to toxic. Strangely, it’s when I’ve been making some improvements in my life, like attempting to open up more to bf/friends/family, cutting back of shitty foods and developing an interest in yoga.

But I’ve still so much to work on. Namely, my self-loathing and/or self-destructive habits, as well as my attitude and actions towards others.

No easy feats. When you’ve spent as long as I have tearing yourself down, the building-back-up stuff seems next to impossible.

I figured I’d start by shouting back encouraging things at the shouty discouraging voice in my head (“YOU’RE WORTHLESS.” “OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU’RE JUST TOO TALENTED FOR YOUR OWN GOOD”). Maybe a little psycho and counter-productive, but if you can’t beat ‘em…

Also quitting drinking on weekdays. It’s something that I’ve grown too familiar with. Because it’s not just a beer or a glass of wine. The past few weeks, there’s been at least one day where I wake up with a hangover. Not cute, not cool, not a great way to function at work.

In terms of my behavior towards others: gonna attempt to continue being more communicative with those who matter. But I also have to watch my jealousy. I don’t like to share my friends, which is ridiculous, because so many of them are friends with each other. It doesn’t take much for me to feel left out or lonely, or even remotely affronted. I can only trace it back to my own general unhappiness with myself. 

So…yeah. Guess I’ll up the exercise (been saying I’d join the gym for some time now; excuses, excuses). And bite my tongue when I feel something evil slithering up my throat. And mentally smack myself for thinking ridic thoughts about others and me. And toss out double compliments for every insult when I look in the mirror.

Sure. I got this.

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